Monday, 28 July 2014


No, that's not right. Can't quite put my finger on it though. Let's try and deconstruct that statement.

"I'm" as in I am. Refers to me, the writer, 'am' indicating a current state pertaining to me. Good, got that clear.

"Pregnant". We all know what that means. It is a condition only applicable to females. Or hermaphroditic organisms like snails. Male seahorses, although they carry the eggs and later the young in a pouch are simply rearing vessels and not pregnant in any accepted sense. Besides, I, the writer. am not a male seahorse. Therefore, unless I, the writer, am revealing an amazing scientific development, the statement cannot be true.

"Again" implies that this has happened to this writer before, however, as we have already established this cannot be true and, therefore, the statement is a double falsehood. It is, in simple English, a lie.

But wait! Perhaps we can consider the statement as metaphor in that I, the writer, am not attempting to pretend or to fool anyone that I am pregnant, rather that there is a larger statement being implied.

Consider what we know. The writer's involvement with cats. He has five of his own, he fosters several others, including at this particular moment, three kittens. It is not a huge logical step to assume that he has come into possession of a pregnant cat of which he feels highly protective. Given this assumption the statement does make sense, just not on a literal level. It should be noted that the writer has not been in possession of a pregnant cat before and that the 'again' can be considered as an attention grabber. It can also be assumed that this section has been the writer's feeble attempt at sending up pretentious prose.

Well I have news for the writer, that is myself. It doesn't work. Get on with the story you twit.

Meet Maisie.

The official story is this: Maisie is a stray who was recently adopted by a woman in her twenties with a four year old daughter. Discovering she is pregnant, the woman decides she can't keep the cat which, itself, heavily pregnant. Last Friday or thereabouts, Susan Hardy is brought into it and decides that Animal Krackers will take it and contacts me to tell me I'm taking it and that I'm collecting the cat on Monday and taking it to the vets for checking out at 4.30.

I am not happy because I don't know where I'm going to put it. I have two young cats in my bedroom who mostly decline to leave it. I have two recently acquired kittens in the conservatory. I also have seven other adult cats and one kitten in the rest of my house which is mostly the living room and kitchen. What I don't have is anywhere to put a pregnant cat. I wonder if a termination will be possible or if the cat is too far gone.

Monday morning and I'm at the vets having a cat given its second flu jab. When I come out of the consulting room I find Carole and her teenage granddaughter at the counter. I mention the pregnant cat and Carole starts tell me that Ian is dealing with it. Her granddaughter and I exchange confused looks and I point at myself so Carole realises what she's done and we laugh. I ask her if she'll take the cat. She will but only if it is pregnant. I breathe a sigh of relief. I'm off the hook.

Just after four and arrive to collect the cat. She really is heavily pregnant. When I pick her up she stretches and sniffs my nose and suddenly I'm not so sure about taking her to Carole's.

I get to the surgery and spend some time talking to Sue the afternoon receptionist and tell her about an idea I've just had. Offer the two brother and sister kittens in my conservatory to Carole. I go for it and call Carole who agrees. Louise the vet checks out the cat who I've decided to call Maisie but you know that already. She is very young, not much past six months and ready to drop in the next few days.

So I take her home and pop her in the cage in my bedroom. My plan the next morning is to take the kittens to Carole about nine-ish, come back and meticulously clean the conservatory and put Maisie in it.

However, in the last few minutes I've had Susan on the phone checking that Andrea had offered to take them when I saw her at the re-homing centre this morning. This is true but the context was different. At the time Carole  had agreed to take the cat so keeping the kittens wasn't a problem and Andrea's offer had slipped my mind. As of this moment, if she wants them she can have them as long as it's first thing in the morning as I want Maisie settled in the conservatory as soon as possible.

Don't worry, I'll let you know what happens very soon.

Five minutes later and that is what's going to happen and Carole is cool with it. (Anyone spot the 60's reference there?)

Oh, and in between paragraphs I got a phone call from a lady, who sounds very suitable, interested in Khal the black and white kitten. When she can get something sorted out with her partner who's at work she'll arrange a time come and see him.

Fingers crossed things are working out okay.

Seeing as you've all been so good, here's a bonus photo entitled:

Oh no! It's-

After rapidly diminishing box office returns, Toho Studios released direct to video (DTV)
which quietly died a death.

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