Saturday, 1 June 2013


In a 1960's episode of the ITV series The Avengers, Steed and (I think) Mrs Peel had to solve a series of savage murders. It turned out that they were committed by kittens driven into a frenzy by some kind of sound wave. Very amusing, I'm sure.

Only now, not so funny.

You see, I have been the victim of savage kittens using their small but sharp claws and their tiny but very pointed teeth to savagely assault me, shredding my flesh so that my arms like the arms of Frankenstein's monster. Or possibly that of a habitual cutter.

Want proof? Then look no further than-

And, trust me on this, the camera misses out some details.

But how did this happen? you ask. How could you, Ian, let this happen?  Because they're sneaky little bastards, I reply. Here I am, minding my own business, with a camera in my hand, when suddenly, like vampire bat in a horror movie-

Next thing I know, it's launched an attack on my arm and is savagely slashing my away.


Okay, that might not be technically quite true. It could even be considered a lie, and I know you'll find this hard to believe given my reputation for refusing to embellish, exaggerate or use hyperbole. (Actually, that may also be a lie.)

Nah. What really happens is that I sit in a chair in the conservatory where they stay with a glass of reconstituted kitten milk and a syringe and as soon as I do they climb on top of me. When I feed one by holding it in my hand, the other hand delivering the syringe into its mouth, the other two climb up my bare arm (I always wear short-sleeved t-shirts) and try to claw the syringe away from the feeding kitten. This always results in scratches and, no, I don't know why I don't wear something long-sleeved to protect myself apart from the fact that it would get ruined and my skin heals itself.

Okay, here are some more photos. Don't ask me why the camera usually photos the black kittens as brown.

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