ATTACK OF THE KILLER KITTENS

In a 1960's episode of the ITV series The Avengers, Steed and (I think) Mrs Peel had to solve a series of savage murders. It turned out that they were committed by kittens driven into a frenzy by some kind of sound wave. Very amusing, I'm sure.

Only now, not so funny.

You see, I have been the victim of savage kittens using their small but sharp claws and their tiny but very pointed teeth to savagely assault me, shredding my flesh so that my arms like the arms of Frankenstein's monster. Or possibly that of a habitual cutter.

Want proof? Then look no further than-

And, trust me on this, the camera misses out some details.

But how did this happen? you ask. How could you, Ian, let this happen?  Because they're sneaky little bastards, I reply. Here I am, minding my own business, with a camera in my hand, when suddenly, like vampire bat in a horror movie-

 

Next thing I know, it's launched an attack on my arm and is savagely slashing my away.

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Okay, that might not be technically quite true. It could even be considered a lie, and I know you'll find this hard to believe given my reputation for refusing to embellish, exaggerate or use hyperbole. (Actually, that may also be a lie.)

Nah. What really happens is that I sit in a chair in the conservatory where they stay with a glass of reconstituted kitten milk and a syringe and as soon as I do they climb on top of me. When I feed one by holding it in my hand, the other hand delivering the syringe into its mouth, the other two climb up my bare arm (I always wear short-sleeved t-shirts) and try to claw the syringe away from the feeding kitten. This always results in scratches and, no, I don't know why I don't wear something long-sleeved to protect myself apart from the fact that it would get ruined and my skin heals itself.

Okay, here are some more photos. Don't ask me why the camera usually photos the black kittens as brown.

KITTENS AND CATS UPDATE

Carole took a small  grey kitten away to give it the special attention it needed. It's equally small black sister is still with me and noticeably smaller than the other two siblings who are thriving. I did take all three plus the mother to the vets for checking out. Twice in a week I noticed blood in the mother's stools. Wendy suggested adding a quarter teaspoonful of sugar to the reconstituted kitten milk I'm giving to the small kitten. The mother got a booster jab and the other two are fine.

I am, however, growing to hate feeding them as I have to hold one in a hand with a plastic milk-filled syringe in the other. As I'm slowly getting the milk into the mouth, the other two are usually clawing their way to try and get at it using their small but perfectly formed sharp claws and perfectly formed tiny but very pointed teeth. As a result the backs of my hands and fingers are pitted with small red dots and covered in somewhat longer scratches. After each feeding (like now as I'm typing) I end up washing my hands and dabbing away the still flowing blood. I'll be glad when they are old enough and have learned to lap. It's another week before I can try the larger two on solid kitten food. Can't come soon enough.

This one is spoken for.

There's another tiny black kitten in there somewhere.

One thing though, as soon as they see me they run straight at me to try and climb up my legs or any other body parts they can reach which sometimes includes my face. Whoever gets them will end up with kittens which are used to and actively seek out human contact.

Ziggy the timid black and white female is still timid and still runs from me, though she is a little more relaxed and will permit me to stroke her briefly before running off. She also spends more time out from under the armchair in my bedroom and when it's nearly feeding time will come looking for me to remind me with a miaow before haring off like the hounds of hell (me) are after her.

Maybe she's a ladies cat.

Then there's Daisy the tabby and white cat from hell whose reaction to me when she arrived two weeks ago was to hiss, spit, growl and attack. Now she won't leave me alone. As soon as I sit down, she's on my knee purring softly and making an odd sound that isn't a miaow but is much more than a purr. I can't see her right now but I can hear her. I used to think she was a horrible cat but she was just scared and showed it with aggression. Unfortunately she still asserts her dominance by peeing on newspaper, on carpets, on my kitchen workbench, my bed, etc. I'm sure, however, that she wouldn't do this if she was the only cat. She is a very pretty animal, lean with features which resemble her Egyptian ancestry, especially her large ears.

I'm sure there's a perfect home for these two somewhere, it just isn't mine.